Monday, May 25, 2009

Getting Real

I have gained a lot of weight. After Pookie was born I joined Weight Watchers and lost 18 pounds and had about 10 more to go. Then I stopped losing. Then I quit going altogether. Since then I have gained all that back. I have racked my brains trying to figure out what went wrong. I have read book about nutrition and weight loss, none of which were very helpful.

This gain is very painful and humiliating. I don't want to be "mommy shaped." I don't want people to think "She's really let herself go. (She must be really busy.)" I want to be the cute, fit, "Wow, she's really got it together" mom. I respect myself lees because of what I see as a weakness in me. I see the failure I've had so far and fear it will never end.

Why? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I think one reason is that I saw losing weight after Pookie was born as a "diet"-- that is a short term change to get me back on track. The fact of the matter was I was overweight before she was born, so I really needed to completely overhaul how and what I was eating. Like an alcoholic who denies has a drinking problem because he never drinks before noon, I could not admit the extent of the problem. I wasn't 250 pounds, so things were OK. I just needed to lose the baby weight. This denial crippled me and my efforts.

So here in public (OK, semi-public), at the risk of humiliating myself, I admit I have to relearn how to eat in a healthy way. I don't want to be overweight and have to change permanently to to be thin.

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